still breathing
by AGENT Kuma-chan
Summary: There was caution tape over Hikari's mouth, blocking her words. A silence where there should have been an insult, a polite request instead of a tease. Taichi might have come back but nothing was the same.


**Title:** still breathing

**Character/Pairing:** Taichi, Yamato, Sora, Takeru, Hikari

**A/N:** written for the dandan Digimon tri zine. While the movies were lackluster, they had a few gems here and there for me to mine.

**Summary: **_There was caution tape over Hikari's mouth, blocking her words. A silence where there should have been an insult, a polite request instead of a tease. Taichi might have come back but nothing was the same._

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**Hikari**

Taichi's hands were warm. Hikari's fingers brushed the back of his hand, the pads of her fingers touching his skin. Warm and solid. Slipping her right hand in his, her fingers slid into the valleys between his knuckles, his bones pressing lightly against her skin. When she tightened her grip, he shot her a disgruntled look. "Hikari."

She bit her cheek. "Yes?"

His frown deepened but he didn't shake her off. With a sigh, her brother started eating with his other hand. "Never mind." His fingers slipped as he tried to grip his chopsticks. "I'll get my soccer schedule next week."

"Oh, I was going to ask about that." Mom sighed as she rested her chin on her hands and stared out the window. With a teasing lit, she added, "I guess this means more laundry."

"Why is that the first thing you think of?" Grumpy, Taichi speared a piece of chicken. He glared at her. "It's not my fault the uniform's white."

"That is something I don't understand." Mom scratched her chin and cocked her head. "If you're going to get muddy, why make the uniforms white?"

"That's…" Taichi trailed off, realizing he didn't have an argument for that. He bit his lip, considering it. "That's a good point."

"Don't think too hard, dear." Mom laughed, sitting back up. She picked up her chopsticks. "You might break something."

"Mom!"

What a regular, ordinary dinner. So plain it could be mistaken for any other day. Hikari watched it all in silence, slowly eating as her brother and mother argued a very ordinary, regular argument. There were no digimon here, no wars outside, and she was lulled into a semblance of safety. It was only when their mother left to clean the dishes that Taichi turned to face her. He held up their joined hands. "I'm ok, you know."

Hikari nodded. He was alive and he was here and she knew that. His skin was warm beneath hers, his grip strong. The world was safe and there were no battles to be fought.

She still didn't let go of his hand.

-x-

She dreamed sometimes, of that night. Of the end of it all. That final moment as they stood on a dark beach, watching a titan of old slowly reform.

"I won't forgive you," Hikari said. The moon was faint and she could barely see her brother in the shadows. She took a step forward, the wet sand squelching as she approached her brother. "I won't forgive you if you do this."

And Taichi, the one who never gave up, the one who fought to the end, that Taichi accepted defeat. "I know." He turned his head to where the corrupted digimon struggled. His voice and gaze were firm and direct. "I'm still doing it."

It angered her. For what he was doing, he should sound broken, lost. This was a last resort, not something to confidentially parade about. Even his gaze was direct, unashamed of what he was ordering.

Hikari looked across the water. The water lapped at her feet, the cold stinging her skin. Ophanimon cried out as she slowly rose. There was no time. The waves crashed, drowning out her thundering heart. "I'll help you."

-x-

As she did every morning after that dream, Hikari sat at her desk and wrote a letter. A quick apology scrawled on lined paper, her writing neat and compact. The moment she finished it, she folded it and placed it in a drawer.

-x-

The city didn't feel the same. Reconstruction was slow, each crater filled temporarily until the streets were properly repaired. It was worse for the buildings, some needing to be demolished and rebuilt entirely. Her path to school was a retrace of their battles, of the past few weeks and the upheaval they caused.

To her left, the Ferris wheel where her brother had sat, frozen in indecision, as a battle raged around him. To her right, the field where Meicoomon had fought them for the first time. There was no escaping any of her memories, the yellow caution tape around each a warning she couldn't ignore.

The final stop was at her school, the grounds where Leomon had died once more. A circular life. Hikari thought of reincarnation, of repetition, and wondered if life was just an exercise of taking two steps forward and one step back.

-x-

"How's Tottori?" Hikari sat on the steps to the track field, watching the soccer team as they practiced drills. Taichi was unusually late. Pressing her ear to her phone, she balanced it on her shoulder as she tightened her shoes.

"'s good." Mei's accent was a funny thing now, a strange hybrid of Tokyo and Tottori. As she relaxed, more and more slang snuck into her sentences until she finally noticed and immediately formalized her words. "It's strange, being back. 'specially after I said goodbye jus' a few months ago."

"Your friends must have been surprised." Hikari laughed, imagining her first day back in class. Laces done up, she reached up to hold the phone.

"They're still teasing me 'bout that." Mei grumbled. Her voice dropped an octave, a wistful edge in her tone. "Still, it's funny being here without Mei. Doesn't feel real, like she'll jus' jump out of the bushes."

Hikari held her breath. "I…"

_I'm sorry_.

_Me too, I miss Gatoman._

She remembered the yellow tape around the city, cordoning off the damage. "It doesn't feel anymore real here."

"Guess it'll take a while." The phone was silent for a moment before Mei changed the topic, sparing Hikari. "Thanks for all the packages. Who sent the cowboy hat?"

"Mimi—she used to wear one all the time." Hikari chuckled, pushing her thoughts aside. "It's pink, right?"

"That explains it." Mei let out a sigh, exasperated. "Mom thinks I'm making my Halloween costume early."

"That's at least one use for it!"

Mei laughed, the sound muffled through the receiver. "'nuff about me, how are you?"

"Me?" Hikari thought of the letter on her desk, of the sorry trapped in her chest, and how some things couldn't be said, couldn't be fixed. Like the destruction in the city, it could only be paved over, patched up temporarily until the next disaster. There was caution tape over her mouth, blocking her words. "Mornings are cold now, I just want to curl up in bed."

Mei laughed. "It's even colder here!"

"I don't even want to think about that." There was a shout and Hikari looked up in time to see the soccer ball just before it hit her.

-x-

Hikari dreamed of a dark sea, a black abyss dragging even the light into it. It whispered of her failings, of her doubts, a tidal wave of despair that threatened to drown her. Nothing escaped its grip and it clawed at her, trying to drag her under.

From the corner of her eye she saw Himekawa sink to its depths without so much as a struggle. Obsession was a terrible thing. The inability to move on, to move forward. To forgive.

The wave broke over Hikari and she struggled to float.

-x-

"Hikari?"

There was too much white. Hikari blinked a few times over, her sight unfocused as a worried voice reached her thoughts. After a few minutes, she recognized the infirmary ceiling and sat up with a start. A gentle hand was on her back, guiding her up, and it wasn't surprising when she found it connected to very worried Takeru.

"Takeru?" Her voice sounded hoarse, her mouth parched. Everything felt dry as a desert. Covering her eyes for a moment, she slowly turned to face him.

"Thirsty?" He gave her an anxious smile as he let go and grabbed a nearby glass. As soon as she gratefully accepted it, his hands were steadying her once more. "How do you feel?"

"Sore." She took a sip. Her head throbbed lightly, a drum beat. "What happened?"

"You got hit by a soccer ball." Takeru's hand was steady on her, a far cry from the scared child he used to be. Once she settled into a sitting position, he stood up and leaned forward. His fingers grazed her skin as he inspected her forehead. "The bump's kinda big."

She frowned, reaching up to touch it. That explained the headache. "That bad?"

"Nothing Taichi would notice," he joked. His skin was cool and she leaned into his touch.

Hikari snorted. "I'd have to be bleeding for that." Suddenly remembering her call, she looked up at him. "Mei?"

"Mei—oh." His touch was gentle before he sat back down. "I sent her a message. It must have been scary when you were cut off."

"Probably." Hikari touched her forehead once more, a little self-conscious about the bruise. Grabbing the edges of her blanket, she yanked it off. "I'll get up now."

"Shouldn't you rest a little longer?" Takeru pulled the sheets back up, ignoring her indignant protests as he did so. "At least till Taichi gets here?"

"It's fine! I'm fine!" Hikari batted his hands away and tried to move again.

Takeru frowned. Insistent, he pushed her back down. "Why are you all like this?"

"Like what?" Hikari asked, brow furrowed. Her fingers rested on the edges of her blanket, ready to throw them off at a moment's notice.

"You, Taichi, even my brother…" Takeru bit his lip, looking down. She didn't have to see his face to know what expression he was giving. "Why do you have to do it all by yourself? Why can't you just ask for help?"

His pained tone killed any argument bubbling in her mouth. Peeking down at him, she focused on his hands tightly gripping the bed, the white of his knuckles. Touched, she rested her hand on his. "I'm fine, really."

At this, he shot her a glare. "I've seen you sleep in class—your eyes are getting darker each day."

Ah. So he had noticed. Ashamed, she looked away and corrected herself. "Sorry…I…"

"I didn't ask for any help when Patamon was infected and…and all it did was make it worse. I suffered, Patamon suffered—holding it in did nothing. Please, just…just let me help. Even if it's just a little."

Help. Hikari closed her eyes, remembering the dark sea, remember Himekawa sinking into its depths. Her hand hadn't reached up even once.

"I…" Yellow tape surrounded everything in this city, every topic they could talk about. Hikari swallowed. "I…" A life preserver in the water. A hole in the caution tape. Hikari opened her eyes and nodded slowly. "Sometimes, I dream of that night."

-x-

Taichi

A siren blared off, bright red lights blinking on and off as he ran down the metal walkway. His heart beat louder than any warning, blood filling his ears as he looked from one capsule to the next. There had to be an empty one, an escape. Everything was bathed in the colour of blood, in the hue of danger, and he could still hear the rocks crumbling from when the ground collapsed beneath them.

A hospital. They had to find a hospital and fast. There. An empty one. A way home. Panting, he leaned against the capsule. "I found one."

"Step inside." His teacher's voice was raspy, more air than words.

Taichi swallowed, staring into the empty capsule. It wouldn't fit more than him. "It can't take us both."

His teacher paused, considering it. "There might be another way—check inside, there might be something."

"Got it." Clambering in, he looked for a button, for something, when the glass slid up behind him. Realizing what happened, he whirled around and pounded the glass. "Let me out! I'm not leaving you!"

"You have to." His teacher's voice was faint, so quiet that he could barely hear him. A red light bathed everything, even his skin, and for a moment, he wondered if he was dying too.

His teacher said something, too soft to be heard, and then there was only silence.

-x-

Taichi's mornings went like this: tripping out of bed as he rushed to the bathroom, always five minutes later than he was supposed to be.

"You're late," Hikari sighed as she stepped out of his way. Her mouth opened again, a snide remark on the tip of her tongue before she clamped down and looked away. "Hurry up."

"I'm hurrying!" Taichi stumbled in and out of the bathroom, brushing his teeth in record time. If there were an Olympic event for getting ready, he'd be contender. Maybe even a gold medalist.

"What was it this time: you forgot to turn on your alarm or you turned it off and fell asleep?" His mother laughed as he scarfed down breakfast. Mouth full, he could only give her his angriest glare which caused her to break out into peals of laughter once more.

Hikari watched him as she carefully spread butter on her bread. "You're going to choke."

He glanced at her, waiting for the rest, for something more. She'd been watching him for days, constantly within reaching distance so she could grab onto his hands. Her lips pursed, on the verge of saying something, of doing something.

"I'm done."

And like a dud bomb, nothing happened.

-x-

Taichi's days went something like this: a sense of listlessness, of waiting for the other shoe to drop. He'd hear the sound of a bullet, of sirens blaring, of his heart pounding. A metallic taste flooded his tongue and for a brief moment, everything flickered red.

Then it all disappeared and he was back on Earth, on a planet that kept turning even though it was short a person.

-x-

"You actually did your homework?" Sora stared at his sheet dubiously, pinching it delicately with her fingers as though it would shatter like glass.

"Sometimes." Taichi glowered at Yamoto, daring him to make a comment. Any comment. The bastard was already smirking.

They glared at each other for a long moment before Yamoto finally broke and added, "And sometimes, he might even get it right."

"You." Scowling, Taichi reached up to smack him. "You don't get to talk."

"He has better grades than you." Sora rolled her eyes as she pushed them apart. Her hand grazed his, lingering a moment too long. "Somehow."

"Did you have to add the _somehow_?" Yamato frowned, but his words had no bite. "Honesty wasn't your crest."

"And I thought friendship was yours." Sora rolled her eyes before smiling at Taichi. "Good job. Keep doing it."

"Yes, mom," he replied smartly, earning a whack from her. "I thought you said no violence!"

"You were being smart." Sora gave him a flat stare, almost daring him to push her, but he didn't take the bait. Instead he glanced at the clock, at the three minutes left till class started. They used to leave earlier than this, Sora using the morning to review her notes while Yamato was busy sketching out whatever career he was after at the moment.

"He doesn't know how to be smart," Yamato scoffed, leaning forward onto Taichi's desk.

The clock ticked forward a minute.

-x-

The city still stood, despite what happened, despite who were missing. His race to and from school consisted of dodging people, swerving left and right as he found the gaps in the steady flow of the crowds. Students gossiped and adults chattered and Tokyo was a city of noise once more.

It was as though nothing happened. Life went on, as it always did. At the lights, Taichi watched as the walk signal cycled from red to white. Streams of people walked around him, a river diverging around him as he watched the white walk sign blink back into red.

-x-

It was impossible to be in two places at once. Izzy told him that and Izzy was the smartest person Taichi knew. There was no science, no magic that could let that happen.

And yet, despite that, Taichi knew it was possible. Part of him was still in that bunker, banging on the glass as their teacher's bloody hand slid down the window. A red light flickered on and off, a warning, and then everything disappeared.

-x-

"I'm worried," Sora confessed suddenly. They were sitting on the bleachers, soccer practice long over. Taichi's hand was half way to his mouth, a chip in his fingers, when the tone in her voice froze him.

"About what?" he finally asked, when she didn't elaborate. Yamato didn't look at him. Nearby, a car spluttered to a stop.

Sora peered down for a long moment, at the patterns in the steel frame. Eventually, she looked at him. "You. You're not fine and you have to stop pretending otherwise."

"Sora." Yamato cut in, his hand on her arm. There was a warning in his eyes, in his tone, and Taichi could hear the sirens blaring, see the red light blinking.

"Don't pretend you're not worried either," she snapped back. When he didn't reply, she turned back to Taichi. She grabbed his hand as gingerly as she did his test paper. "How are you?"

He could barely feel her grip. "I'm fine."

With a sigh, Yamato ran a hand through his hair. "No, no you're not."

"Nothing's wrong," Taichi insisted. "We saved the world, so everything's fine."

"But…before that…" Sora gripped his hand harder now, her fingers digging into his skin. "You know, when you disappeared, I was scared. I thought I'd never see you again."

"But you managed without me." Taichi shrugged lightly, trying to get out of this conversation. "And I'm here now."

"We did not manage without you—we barely held on." In a rare burst of honesty, Yamato looked at him. "We made it _because_ of you."

"Because of _Daigo_," Taichi corrected and it was as though saying his name unleashed a flood. _Live_, he had said, his voice so weak it could be mistaken for the wind. _Live_, he had asked as he died. "He…saved everyone. And I left him there to die."

"You didn't!" Sora's grip was painful now, digging into his skin. Tears dripped down her cheeks and she glared at him. "If you could have saved him, you would have. That's who you are. This doesn't change that."

His throat burned and he croaked, "I should have stayed."

"Never." Yamato fiercely snapped back, gripping Taichi's shoulder tightly. Angry, he shook his head. "Never that. It's like with Meicoomon—sometimes you can't save everyone. You were right about that."

"That's funny, did you just admit I was right?" Taichi weakly laughed.

"Only on that one thing," he corrected, but his hand stayed.

"It's ok, he's mostly wrong too," Sora chimed as she wrapped her arms around Taichi, resting her chin on his shoulder. Warm, she was warm, and suddenly he understood Hikari's need to grab him all the time. There was something reassuring about another person's weight, about their touch.

"We tried, right?" His voice sounded weak and he blinked back the burning sensation in his eyes. "We tried everything?"

"Everything," Sora confirmed. Her hand patted his back soothingly. "There was no other way."

"Is that really good enough?" His hands curled into fists, his nails digging into his skin. Was intention really enough to justify, to forgive? Did Meicoomon justify Daigo? Or vice versa? _I won't forgive you,_ Hikari had said and he wondered if she was just echoing his own sentiments, his own demons.

"It's more than enough." Sora gently agreed.

"You're here. We're here. The world is saved." Yamato weakly laughed. "And I thought I was the ambitious one."

"It's still better than trying to be a rock star-astronaut-politician." Taichi snorted, wrapping an arm around Sora and raising his other to grab Yamato's arm. "Thanks."

"What was that?" Yamato asked, and Taichi could hear the smirk more than see it.

"Losing your hearing already?"

"You two." Sora sighed, disentangling herself from them. "Let me at least leave before you kill each other."

-x-

"Move over." Hikari crawled into his bed, something she hadn't done since she was five and had nightmares. He shifted as much as he could, the twin far too small for the pair of them. They lay there in silence for a moment before she finally said, "You gave up."

He didn't have to ask to know what she meant. "I didn't."

"You did," she shot back angrily and he could feel her glare more than see it. "You never leave anyone behind. You gave up."

"I did not." He pressed his hand against his forehead. Remembered the sensation of pressing his hand against the glass. The bruises that came after. "I tried. This was it. The only way."

"We didn't try everything."

"There was no time. You know it. We tried everything up until then."

Hikari lay there in silence, so long that he wondered if she fell asleep. Then her voice came and she sounded small, so very small. 'I know. I know but…"

A train signal rang out, warning people not to cross. He reached out and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer. "Me too."

"I gave up." Hikari pressed her face into his shoulder, muffling her voice.

"You didn't." He pulled her in tighter. "We didn't."

There was something warm on his shoulder and if he had been close to crying with Sora and Yamato, he was beyond that now. Hikari hiccupped. "I wish we could have saved Meicoomon."

Sometimes courage or light or friendship or love or any of their crests wasn't enough. It was a strange thought but maybe that was part of growing up. Leomon and other digimon had sacrificed themselves before, when they were younger and didn't really understand the dangers they were in. Sacrifice had always been there, they just never had to participate in it.

Taichi closed his eyes. "Me too."

-x-

He woke up to a technicolor world for once, to a silent room after a good night's rest. It was a strange sensation, to not hear any alarms, to not see only red. He stretched on his bed, unsurprised to find Hikari had gotten up first.

Slowly, he stretched and left his room. As he headed to the bathroom, he bumped into Hikari. She raised a brow. "Finally woke up?"

"You could have woken me." Crossing his arms, he scanned her outfit. "It's Sunday, where are you going?"

She waved a letter in front of him. "Posting a letter."

A letter. Taichi blinked. "What are you, an old lady?"

"Meanie." Hikari frowned deeply, sliding past him to get to the entrance. "Mei likes letters."

"Mei, huh?" He watched her go, scratching his belly before turning back to the bathroom. Maybe he'd call Mei himself—he never did talk to her properly after all that went down. Stretching his arms, he yawned. Hell, he could even meet up with everyone again—it'd been a while since they'd just hanged out

_Live_, Daigo had asked. Maybe it was time Taichi got back to doing that.


End file.
